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Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 9

Sports betting Nicolas Cage won four out of five NFL bets last week. Also, he’s got a few things to get off his chest before he makes his Week 9 picks.

First off, my acting career is not a damn meme for you dimwitted pricks. If you can’t understand nor appreciate my acting style, I hope you get your legs broken and subsequently stung by a million bees.

Second, I’ve already warned the StakeHaul team that I will personally unleash Cage Rage if they even think about making me a meme.

Finally, the Packers vs. Rams game definitely qualifies for Cage Rage sports bet of the year, especially if you picked the OVER at 56 1/2 and above.

However, to all you whiners getting angry at Todd Gurley taking a dive before the end zone to run out the clock, he did exactly what he was supposed to do. If anything, you should release your inner Rage Cage at Ty Montgomery for his selfish kickoff stunt. At least you’d have a chance to cover your OVER bet, provided Mason Crosby didn’t shit the bed like he did a few weeks ago.

On that note, on to the picks.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. My pick always includes the spread.

Nicolas Cage Bets

Kansas City Chiefs at Cleveland Browns (+8.5)
Pick: Chiefs

Chiefs finally fail to cover the spread last week. Otherwise, I feel this spread would be much higher since they’re still the same sexy, high-flying offense.

As far as the Browns, you likely know they fired both their head coach and their offensive coordinator. As I once said, “You’ll be seeing a lot of changes around here. Papa’s got a brand new bag.” However, the Browns changes won’t help them this week.

Chicago Bears at Buffalo Bills (+10)
Pick: Bears

HAHAHAHA I hope Bills fans aren’t saying “Papa’s got a brand new bag” with the Bills having to start Nathan Peterman. I know Bills fans are some of the most loyal and rowdy fans in all of sports. However, they all must be into BDSM or some shit if they’re willing to shell out hundreds of dollars to watch the Bears eat Peterman’s soul for three hours.

Tennessee Titans vs Dallas Cowboys (-5.5)
Pick: Cowboys

Papa’s got a brand new bag in Dallas. I think these changes will help the home team coming off their bye. Amari Cooper should inject some life into that passing game, and the offensive line coach switch should bolster the strength of this team.

The Titans are ranked #26 in scoring offense on the road, while the Dallas defense is ranked #2 in scoring at home. Also, while Dallas averages only 20 points per game, they average almost 29 points at home. Bet the Cowboys and thank me later.

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