post

Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 15

Sports Betting Nicolas Cage went 3-0 in Week 13 in his NFL bets. After a long two weeks of partying, he’s back with NFL bets for Week 15 on every weekend game.

Finally, I went undefeated in my NFL bets for a weekend. So you’re probably wondering, how did I celebrate?

This, for starters. Lots of booze.

Also, I partied like I did after winning the Academy Award for my role in Leaving Las Vegas.

I’m 15-8 in my NFL bets over the NFL season. This week’s picks will continue the theme of Leaving Las Vegas.

In fact, since I partied too hard and missed giving picks last week, I’ll pick every game this weekend! You’re welcome.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. Remember, my picks always include the spread.

Houston Texans at New York Jets (+6, 42.5)
Pick: Over

Rooting for the Jets is like rooting for the drunkest guy at the bar to successfully take a girl home. You just feel bad for them.

That being said, I’m not eager to beat on the Texans considering this is their first road game in four weeks. I think the Texans will jump to an early lead due to their significant rushing advantage over the Jets run defense. Then the Jets will have to pass to catch up. I think both teams can hang 20 points on one another, hence my Over bet.


Cleveland Browns at Denver Broncos (-3, 45.5)
Pick: Under

The Browns are 1-24 SU in the last 25 road games. That one win came this season against a Bengals team missing a number of key players. Denver is missing a number of key players, including but not limited to their #1 WR Emmanuel Sanders.

As I’m sure you all know, Mile High Stadium is notoriously tough for the road team to win in December. I feel that Vance Joseph is coaching for his job in this game and has all the motivation to win.

Speaking of Mile High, that reminds me of that one time I joined the Mile High club…

Yes, I know that this scene is from Face/Off and not from Leaving Las Vegas. It’s my column. Wanna test me?

Anyways, I can’t see either offense performing well here. I’m more confident in the Under than Denver winning by more than three points.


Miami Dolphins at Minnesota Vikings (-7, 44)
Pick: Vikings

This is one of my favorite bets this weekend. Minnesota, fresh off firing their offensive coordinator, switch to a new OC many thought should have been the hire in the first place.

I don’t care that Miami pulled off one of the plays of the year and beat the Patriots. The Dolphins are in the bottom five in most offensive categories on the road.


Dallas Cowboys at Indianapolis Colts (-3, 47)
Pick: Cowboys

Detroit Lions at Buffalo Bills (-2.5, 38.5)
Pick: Lions

Oakland Raiders at Cincinnati Bengals (-3, 45.5)
Pick: Bengals

I’d rather have three hours of anger and depression than watch this game.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Baltimore Ravens (-8, 46.5)
Pick: Ravens

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (-5.5, 45)
Pick: Bears

This is all of Green Bay after how this season turned out:

Thankfully, it’s almost over for them. They walk into Soldier Field against a team desperately trying to secure a first round bye. Combine that with how the Bears lost to an injured Rodgers in Week 1, and the Bears have all the motivation to win.

The Bears’ impressive success at home and the Packers’ inability to both win and cover on the road makes for a juicy bet on the Bears.

Tennessee Titans at New York Giants (-2.5, 43.5)
Pick: Titans


Washington Redskins at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7, 36)
Pick: Under

This O/U is lower than critic ratings for The Wicker Man. Whatever, those same blowhards obviously don’t appreciate good acting.

Anyways, any football fan with a pair of eyes can see that both these teams quit on the year. Washington is showing how much they care by starting a QB making his first start in seven years. On the flip side, Jacksonville is showing how much they care by starting some guy named Cody Kessler.

Both teams defenses are still pretty strong, so I feel confident this game will be an ugly shitshow and go Under.

Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons (-9, 44)
Pick: Falcons

Suck vs. Suck. Two more teams waving the white flag on this season.

So why am I picking the Falcons? I may be crazy (ok, yes I am crazy), but did you know the Falcons are 3-10 this season against the spread? If you bet against the Falcons this season, you’d be making a killing. I think if the Falcons had a more even record, Vegas would favor the Falcons by two TDs.

Yes, this is me trying to outsmart Vegas. We’ll see how this plays out.


New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers (-2.5, 49)
Pick: Over


Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers (+5.5, 44.5)
Pick: Seahawks

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams (-9, 53.5)
Pick: Rams

I feel like there’s a lot of games this weekend where even the most die hard fans of their teams will not pay attention.

This is a game where even crazed Eagles fans will cease to pay attention by early 2nd half. The Rams are angry after their loss to the Bears last weekend, and need to make a statement here to show they still deserve a 1st round bye. Therefore, they should demolish a patchwork Eagles secondary through the air.

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (+6, 52)
Pick: Saints

I’m picking the Saints out of spite for the Panthers. If you’ve been following my weekly bets, the Panthers screwed me over one too many times this season. Seriously, I’m angry just thinking about that team. I need a drink.

“So Sports Betting Nicolas Cage, if you had to pick three to bet on, which ones would they be?”

  1. Minnesota -7
  2. Bears -5.5
  3. Under in Browns/Broncos

Want to keep the conversation going, or simply talk crap to us? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

post

The Haul – Fantasy Football Playoff Preview

After a fantasy football regular season of ups and downs, our playoff bracket is set. We limped into the playoffs as the 5th seed, but are hopeful for a strong finish.

Final Regular Season Power Rankings

StakeHaul Fantasy Football Regular Season - Final - 2018

The picture above shows a week-by-week comparison of all the playoff teams in our fantasy football league, along whether we actually won or lost our matchup. The “Total” column shows our overall records if we played every team every week. The “Actual” column shows our final records and the seed in our playoffs each team received.

Since we’re the 5th seed, we have concerns about how our team will perform in the playoffs considering our poor final two weeks. Also, our first round opponent is much stronger than their season record indicates. According to our power rankings, this team is the second strongest team in our league.

StakeHaul vs #4 Seed


FAAB Dollars Remaining: $63

On one hand, ESPN projections favor our lineup to the #4 seed. On the other hand, we feel most avid fantasy football players would prefer our opponent’s lineup this weekend based on potential explosiveness.

The biggest individual matchups here are Aaron Rodgers vs. Patrick Mahomes and Saquon Barkley vs. Alvin Kamara. We hope Baltimore’s top ranked defense can reign in Patrick Mahomes, while Aaron Rodgers balls out against an injury ravaged Atlanta defense. Also, we’re hoping that Rodgers plays inspired football now that the Packers fired Mike McCarthy.

#6 Seed vs #3 Seed

This matchup features a six seed that’s been quite hot over the past four weeks and a three seed that’s been consistently above average most of the season. Presumably, Christian McCaffery will have to have another big game for the six seed to have any chance at winning.

#1 Seed Lineup

#2 Seed Lineup

Our top two seeds get a bye week this upcoming weekend. We beat the #1 seed in the first week of the season and lost to them in Week 12. However, they scored the highest number of total fantasy points throughout the season. The #2 seed rode Todd Gurley’s coattails throughout most of the season and looked to coast to the top seed, but losses in their last two weeks cost them.

Want to keep the conversation going, or simply talk crap to us? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

post

Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 13

Sports Betting Nicolas Cage went 3-3 last weekend and has NFL bets for Week 13. However, he first has to unleash hell on the Steelers for losing.

I’m so angry as I’m typing. I’ve been angry all week. That Steelers v. Broncos game should have its own post on its own for a bad sports betting beat.

What a seemingly perfect game to bet on. This Steelers -3 line seduced me faster than that damn vampire in Vampire’s Kiss.

The Steelers outgained the Broncos by more than 200 total yards. That Steelers QB that shall not be named almost threw for 500 yards. So what the hell happened?

Wait a second, the Steelers turned it over not once, but twice at the goal line!?!?!?

And the Broncos blocked a field goal attempt on the Steelers first drive?

I hate life and I hate everyone now.

I’m 12-8 in my NFL bets over the past five weeks, but I don’t care. I’m going to rage about that Steelers bet for a long time.

What’s that, you say? You still want my sports bets for NFL Week 13? Fine, but I still hate everyone.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. Remember, my picks always include the spread.

Los Angeles Rams at Detroit Lions (+10, 54.5)
Pick: Rams

I tell you what, had the Lions scored a touchdown on their final drive to tie it up last week…

Let’s not think about it. I don’t want to think about scaring my family on Thanksgiving. I’m thankful I won that bet.

Anyways, I like the Rams bet here more than my other bets this weekend. The Lions injuries at the offensive skill positions continue to pile up. Marvin Jones is out for the remainder of the year. Kerryon Johnson is likely out this week.

Still worried about the Rams defense allowing points? The return of #1 CB Aqib Talib should help.

Bet on the Rams now. The thought of helping my fans out is the only thing keeping me from driving angry to Pittsburgh and punching a bunch of random yinzers.

Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans (-6, 48)
Pick: Texans

The Texans are riding one of the hottest winning streaks in football right now. Their defense is top five in total scoring allowed, while their offense is riding the hot hand of Lamar Miller.

This is not a knock on Baker Mayfield. Imagine an alternate reality where every NFL player gets placed in a draft pool and all 32 teams had to redraft their teams. If your team had a top 10 pick, wouldn’t you seriously consider Baker Mayfield?

If I lose this bet, I’ll be mad. But not that mad. Baker is my favorite kind of competitor and shit talker, and I hope the Browns don’t ruin him.

San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks (-10, 46)
Pick: Seahawks

Normally, I hate being on division games against the spread. I hate it even more when the spread is in double digits.

So why am I loving the Seahawks? For one, I love that they covered for me last weekend.

You want more reasons? Fine, the 49ers have been killed on offense and defense by the injury bug. Nick Mullens has thrown only 2 TDs and 4 INTs in the past two weeks against the Giants and Buccaneers. Would you consider those defenses world beaters? I didn’t think so.

On the other side, Seattle leads the league in rushing yards per game. Also, they top 5 in turnover differential (+8), while the 49ers are second last (-17).

I could go on and on, but writing this column doesn’t make me feel better. I’m driving to Pittsburgh to release my anger.

Want to keep the conversation going, or simply talk crap to us? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

post

The Haul – Fantasy Football Week 12

Our fantasy football championship aspirations took a drastic turn for the worse after this weekend. In addition to losing a first round bye, our team lost Melvin Gordon to injury.

Fantasy Football Week 12 Summary (for last week’s result, click here)

Team #6 vs. StakeHaul


Week 12 Points: 117.4
Head-to-Head League Result: L 117.4-139.1
Total Season Points:
League Record: 7-5
League Standings: T-3rd
Power Rankings Record (This Week):
Power Rankings Record (Overall):
Total Season Haul From Side Bets: +$90
FAAB Dollars Remaining: $70

Lineup Moves

We spent $18 of FAAB this week, spending $12 on Stephen Gostkowski (NE K) and $6 on the Lions defense to plug them in the first and hopefully the second round of our playoffs. Hopefully, the move for Gostkowski will be the last move for a kicker this season.

Finally, we made a free transfer for Luke Kuechly for our IDP spot. Unless he’s injured, he’s staying in our starting lineup for the remainder of the season.

Thoughts From Week 12

We’re pretty angry about this week. If it’s even possible, we’re more angry than an angry Nicolas Cage.

For one, our opponent traded for JuJu Smith-Schuster earlier in the week. His 97 yard touchdown grab…no words.

Aaron Rodgers and Alvin Kamara, to our detriment, scored two of their lowest outputs of the season.

The worst part? We still could have won had we started Amari Cooper over Chris Carson. We opted for the safer play due to us being favorites in the matchup.

Finally, did you hear Melvin Gordon sprained his MCL and could be out for the rest of the fantasy football season? Fantastic. We love Melvin and wish for a speedy recovery.

Luckily, our Aaron Rodgers trade last week also netted us Gordon’s backup, Austin Ekeler. However, we still feel sick over losing Gordon’s high-scoring consistency.

Hear It From Our Week 12 Opponent!

Thank you for not starting Amari Cooper this week! Hahahahaha.

Week 13 Preview and Looking Forward

StakeHaul vs. Team #8

With virtually no chance at a first-round bye, we need to win and score well this week to secure the 3rd seed. Currently, we would be seeded 4th if the playoffs started today. We are nine points off from the 3rd seed, and 5th seed is four points behind us.

We’re playing the same team we lost to in Week 2. However, since that week, our opponent lost seven of their last nine and is out of playoff contention. Additionally, they are in the bottom half of our power rankings, so we feel good about winning.

As we stated earlier, we’re still in 5th place in our power rankings. Our power rankings are based on a W-L record using our score from each week and comparing it to the other teams score that week. Below is our season long power rankings record compared to the league:

This upcoming weekend will have a lot of maneuvering to determine our playoff picture. We’re preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

Want to keep the conversation going, or simply talk crap to us? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

post

Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 12

Sports Betting Nicolas Cage is fat and happy from Thanksgiving and from his 2-1 betting record on the NFL yesterday. He’s got more NFL bets for Week 12.

Another great Thanksgiving is in the books. I’m thankful that all my on-screen craziness gave me the opportunity to bet big on all these Thanksgiving games, as well as eat a ton of delicious food in the process.

Seriously, one time I had to eat a cockroach. Sure, I make it look good on camera, but I was a lunatic during the entire shooting of Vampire’s Kiss.

I’m 11-6 in my NFL bets over the past four weeks. And since the season of giving is upon us, I want to give you more NFL bets for the weekend.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. Remember, my picks always include the spread.

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers (-3.5, 46.5)
Pick: Seahawks

The Panthers screwed me for the last time last week, and I hope they lose every single game the remainder of the year. On the bright side, I think I can get away with it if I just so happen to bump into Cam Newton and throw him a cheap shot or two. Hey, the NFL seems to allow it.

Wait, they don’t anyone? Ah, what the hell, I’m an Academy Award winning actor and the best of my generation. Try and stop me.

Miami Dolphins at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5, 51)
Pick: Colts

Oh wait, you want actual stats and analysis on why I’m making these bets?

Fine. The Colts finally seem to be hitting their stride in winning their last four games. Miami sucks when they play on the road. Even though Miami is getting back their starting QB, I can’t seem them keeping pace with the Colts offense.

What, that analysis wasn’t good enough for you?

Seriously, just shut up and do as I say.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos (+3, 46.5)
Pick: Steelers

Did you know that Pittsburgh is 15-1-1 in its last 17 road games and winners of their last six games?

On the other hand, Broncos are playing for pride and have no chance of the playoffs. Both Baltimore and Cincinnati expected to win at home against weak teams. The Steelers have no reason to take this game lightly and should win by more than three.

Therefore, take the Steelers and have a good laugh after you’re rolling around in the money you made from my bets

Want to keep the conversation going, or simply talk crap to us? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.