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Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 12

Sports Betting Nicolas Cage is fat and happy from Thanksgiving and from his 2-1 betting record on the NFL yesterday. He’s got more NFL bets for Week 12.

Another great Thanksgiving is in the books. I’m thankful that all my on-screen craziness gave me the opportunity to bet big on all these Thanksgiving games, as well as eat a ton of delicious food in the process.

Seriously, one time I had to eat a cockroach. Sure, I make it look good on camera, but I was a lunatic during the entire shooting of Vampire’s Kiss.

I’m 11-6 in my NFL bets over the past four weeks. And since the season of giving is upon us, I want to give you more NFL bets for the weekend.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. Remember, my picks always include the spread.

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers (-3.5, 46.5)
Pick: Seahawks

The Panthers screwed me for the last time last week, and I hope they lose every single game the remainder of the year. On the bright side, I think I can get away with it if I just so happen to bump into Cam Newton and throw him a cheap shot or two. Hey, the NFL seems to allow it.

Wait, they don’t anyone? Ah, what the hell, I’m an Academy Award winning actor and the best of my generation. Try and stop me.

Miami Dolphins at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5, 51)
Pick: Colts

Oh wait, you want actual stats and analysis on why I’m making these bets?

Fine. The Colts finally seem to be hitting their stride in winning their last four games. Miami sucks when they play on the road. Even though Miami is getting back their starting QB, I can’t seem them keeping pace with the Colts offense.

What, that analysis wasn’t good enough for you?

Seriously, just shut up and do as I say.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos (+3, 46.5)
Pick: Steelers

Did you know that Pittsburgh is 15-1-1 in its last 17 road games and winners of their last six games?

On the other hand, Broncos are playing for pride and have no chance of the playoffs. Both Baltimore and Cincinnati expected to win at home against weak teams. The Steelers have no reason to take this game lightly and should win by more than three.

Therefore, take the Steelers and have a good laugh after you’re rolling around in the money you made from my bets

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Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Thanksgiving Edition

It’s a Thanksgiving miracle. Sports Betting Nicolas Cage decided to hold off his rage on his Week 11 NFL bets and give us bets for all three Thanksgiving matchups.

Week 11 sucked. And I’m angry.

The Panthers…lost? Is this some sort of karma for when I pulled a gun on an old lady? She wouldn’t help me with my case!

As far as the Ravens bet, well I have no one to blame but myself. I made the bet before confirming whether a few Bengals on defense would suit up.

Washington loses Alex Smith, and yet Colt McCoy comes in as backup and almost wins them the game against the Texans D? If I had lost that bet, God only knows what I would have done.

I’m 9-5 in my NFL bets over the past four weeks, despite last week’s hiccup. And since the season of giving is upon us, I cooled myself off and am giving you a special Thanksgiving slate of NFL bets.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. Remember, my pick always includes the spread.

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions (+3, 44.5)
Pick: UNDER

Seriously, I hate these damn divisional games. The Ravens couldn’t cover against the pathetic Bengals last week, and I’m ready to burn down M&T Bank Stadium for losing a second bet on the season picking them.

Anyways, I’m salty that I didn’t keep riding the Bears against the spread last week. However, their starting QB hurt himself in Week 11. I don’t care that Chase Daniel played in Kansas City at the same time Bears coach Matt Nagy coached Kansas City’s offense. This game won’t go over the 44.5 total points now that Trubisky sits, especially when Detroit’s offense will be without their starting RB and #1 WR.

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5, 40.5)
Pick: OVER

I know what Alex Smith is going through. I screamed like a girl.

Anyways, I really hate betting on this game since Alex Smith to Colt McCoy doesn’t seem like much of a drop off in QB production. And who the hell knows which Dallas team will show up. Will it be the team that stunk it up against the Titans? Or will it be the one that outplayed Atlanta and Philly in successive weeks?

If I had to predict how McCoy will play, he’ll could be successful in chucking the ball downfield, leading to more Washington points. Or, he could gift wrap Dallas multiple turnovers with a short field. Either way, I think more points will be scored than assumed.

I feel most comfortable betting the OVER on a low O/U. Friends and family are begging me to take Xanax tomorrow as we speak.

Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints (-13, 60)
Pick: OVER

Right now, there’s no more complete team in the NFL than the Saints. And yet, I can’t shake this feeling that a 13 point spread is a lot to overcome against a divisional opponent like the Falcons.

Alvin Kamara should explode against an Atlanta defense that’s been getting gashed all year. New Orleans averages over 37 points per game this season, and they should be able to reach that point total against statistically the worst defense in the NFL. They already scored 43 against Atlanta earlier in the year.

However, Atlanta’s offense is no slouch. They average 26 points a game, and scored 37 against New Orleans earlier this season. In a game where Atlanta must win to keep their playoff hopes alive, and New Orleans must win to keep home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, I say they play the game to their strengths.

Take the OVER and have a good laugh after you’re rolling around in the money you made.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and you’re welcome for the betting tips.

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Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 11

Sports betting Nicolas Cage won two out of three NFL bets last week. Here are his bets based on NFL Week 11 odds.

Did you take my advice last week and bet on the Chargers against the spread? I tell you what, that game was too close for comfort.

If I had lost that bet, on top of the Patriots taking a steamy shit on my bet on them…

By the way, I’m 8-3 in my NFL bets over the past three weeks. I think it’s my lucky crack pipe.

Just kidding. Seriously, don’t do crack.

Now that I’ve let out some steam, let’s get on to the bets for NFL Week 11.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. Remember, my pick always includes the spread.

Carolina Panthers vs. Detroit Lions (+3.5)
Pick: Panthers

Right here is my bet of the weekend. Since I placed this bet, the line moved up to Panthers/Lions +4.5. The Panthers are a hell of a lot better than they showed last week against the Steelers. They showed this when they beat down the Ravens three weeks ago and beat down my bet on the Ravens.

Meanwhile, the Lions suck since they traded away Golden Tate, and will now be without their new #1 WR in Marvin Jones Jr. Also, they can’t stop anyone on defense, ranking in the bottom 5 in total points allowed. With Detroit at #29 in total DVOA and Carolina at #12, including top ten in offense, I’d bet on Carolina even if they were favored by a touchdown.

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-4.5)
Pick: Ravens

Normally I hate betting on divisional matchups, but with all the injuries Cincinnati has, I’m not confident they can beat anyone outside those silly Raiders. Their defense sucks without Burfict. Those injuries to key players haven’t changed since I called it out last week.

On the other hand, the Ravens are at home, coming off a bye, and still have a top-5 ranked defense by many measures to pair with a respectable offense. Even if Flacco doesn’t play, I still expect the Ravens to win by at least a touchdown.

Houston Texans at Washington Redskins (+1.5)
Pick: Texans

Washington is down their top two guards and their pass catching RB. In addition, their top offensive tackle, Trent Williams, is questionable for Sunday. The Texans and their top-5 defense should feast all day on Alex Smith and their bottom tier offense.

I think the gap is that great to where the Texans will score an easy touchdown or two off Washington turnovers.

Happy Movember everyone, and you’re welcome for the betting tips.

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Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 10

Sports betting Nicolas Cage won two out of three NFL bets last week. Here are his bets based on NFL Week 10 odds.

I was in Vegas this past week Monday through Friday and decided to listen to two “sports betting experts” flap their jaws on the radio.

One big topic they agreed upon is bettors should never bet on the Golden State Warriors this year because their team only cares about the playoffs. Therefore, you don’t know which nights they’re going to coast through and which nights they’re going to beat the brakes off their opponent.

The Warriors went 3-0 against the spread last week and are 7-4 ATS on the season, pissing me off.

What’s The Point?

If you follow sports betting long enough, you can talk yourself into any bet based on analytics or a feel for the matchup. On the flipside, you could argue you should bet on the Warriors at the beginning of the season because they’re motivated to position themselves into securing home-court advantage early.

No matter your reasoning, Vegas will always be more informed than you, and will set their lines according to the matchup. If there was one tried and true way of sports betting, bettors would put sports books out of business.

One day, if you readers are lucky, I’ll slowly reveal how I bet.

Nicolas Cage Bets

By the way, I’m 6-2 in my NFL bets over the past two weeks. Maybe it’s just my lucky crack pipe.

Just kidding. Seriously, don’t do crack.

On that note, on to the picks.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. My pick always includes the spread.

Los Angeles Chargers at Oakland Raiders (+10)
Pick: Chargers

The Chargers already beat the Raiders 26-10 in Week 5. Since then, the Raiders put Marshawn Lynch on IR, traded Amari Cooper, and cut Bruce Irvin…

…really, do I need to go on as to why all you Cage fans need to hammer the Chargers bet? I’m getting angry just thinking about it. It’s like that one time I had to recite the alphabet to my idiot secretary.

In fact, I’ll make it real easy for you to have the best weekend of your life:

  1. Bet on the Chargers
  2. Watch Vampire’s Kiss
  3. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  4. Profit
New England Patriots at Tennessee Titans (+6.5)
Pick: Patriots

“But Sports Betting Nicolas Cage, why do you keep recommending large favorites on the road? Don’t the big bettors typically stay away from that LOL!?”

My immediate reaction:

Did you even read the first part above?

Listen, I already hate that I bet against the Titans last week. How was I to know that their putrid offense would score a season high 28 points? Just thinking about it makes me want to burn down JerryWorld.

My reasoning is the Patriots can score 28 points while sleepwalking. Also, that defense is better than given credit for. If they can frustrate Aaron Rodgers into only delivering 17 points last week, they can sure as hell keep the Titans less than 20 points.

New Orleans Saints at Cincinnati Bengals (+5.5)
Pick: Saints

Ah, what the hell. I’m going to keep betting on big road favorites here. The Bengals go into Sunday’s matchup without the team’s best player (A.J. Green), for one.

That Bengals defense is already butt, ranked 30th in scoring defense. Also, my favorite cheap-shot artist Vontaze Burfict may miss the game due to an injured hip. Do you really want to bet that the 30th ranked defense, without their best player on offense and potentially without their best player on defense, to keep the score close?

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Nicolas Cage NFL Bets of 2018: Week 9

Sports betting Nicolas Cage won four out of five NFL bets last week. Also, he’s got a few things to get off his chest before he makes his Week 9 picks.

First off, my acting career is not a damn meme for you dimwitted pricks. If you can’t understand nor appreciate my acting style, I hope you get your legs broken and subsequently stung by a million bees.

Second, I’ve already warned the StakeHaul team that I will personally unleash Cage Rage if they even think about making me a meme.

Finally, the Packers vs. Rams game definitely qualifies for Cage Rage sports bet of the year, especially if you picked the OVER at 56 1/2 and above.

However, to all you whiners getting angry at Todd Gurley taking a dive before the end zone to run out the clock, he did exactly what he was supposed to do. If anything, you should release your inner Rage Cage at Ty Montgomery for his selfish kickoff stunt. At least you’d have a chance to cover your OVER bet, provided Mason Crosby didn’t shit the bed like he did a few weeks ago.

On that note, on to the picks.

The home team is always on the right. A minus spread shows that the home team is the favorite, while a + spread shows the home team is the underdog. My pick always includes the spread.

Nicolas Cage Bets

Kansas City Chiefs at Cleveland Browns (+8.5)
Pick: Chiefs

Chiefs finally fail to cover the spread last week. Otherwise, I feel this spread would be much higher since they’re still the same sexy, high-flying offense.

As far as the Browns, you likely know they fired both their head coach and their offensive coordinator. As I once said, “You’ll be seeing a lot of changes around here. Papa’s got a brand new bag.” However, the Browns changes won’t help them this week.

Chicago Bears at Buffalo Bills (+10)
Pick: Bears

HAHAHAHA I hope Bills fans aren’t saying “Papa’s got a brand new bag” with the Bills having to start Nathan Peterman. I know Bills fans are some of the most loyal and rowdy fans in all of sports. However, they all must be into BDSM or some shit if they’re willing to shell out hundreds of dollars to watch the Bears eat Peterman’s soul for three hours.

Tennessee Titans vs Dallas Cowboys (-5.5)
Pick: Cowboys

Papa’s got a brand new bag in Dallas. I think these changes will help the home team coming off their bye. Amari Cooper should inject some life into that passing game, and the offensive line coach switch should bolster the strength of this team.

The Titans are ranked #26 in scoring offense on the road, while the Dallas defense is ranked #2 in scoring at home. Also, while Dallas averages only 20 points per game, they average almost 29 points at home. Bet the Cowboys and thank me later.

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